Linda PanicSo you want to quit your job, huh?

You got those dreams, those silly dreams that have been plaguing you. Your biological clock never ticked regarding human reproduction because, hey, you got a jump on all that and had your first kid at 18. Then your second kid at 20. Once you had those two kids, the only choice was to work. You worked hard and long and created a living that would support your family – not just those two, but the rest that came along back when you thought you could totally handle that many kids. No, the biological clock you hear is the DEATH clock.

Let’s face it, you’re a little dramatic. You’re only 50, after all. Laura Ingalls Wilder didn’t write her first book until she was 64. They probably gave her some big writing award and she said “Eh, sonny? What’s that? Do you have any Metamucil?” So while you’re certainly not dying, the truth is you want to enjoy some sort of accomplishments around your dream before your need for Metamucil overshadows things.

These dreams…. they haunt you. Do you have what it takes to chase them? Those buggers run pretty fast. How will you ever know if you don’t try? So yeah, the job is getting in the way.

Step 1: make the decision to quit your job.

Step 2: reconsider it, procrastinate, talk yourself out of it

Step 3: make the decision to quit your job again

Step 4: spend countless hours thinking about the right timing

Step 5: realize there is no right timing

Step 6: hyperventilate

Step 7: look in the mirror and repeat over and over “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggonit, people like me.”

Step 8: change your mind a hundred times

Step 9: make the decision to quit your job

Step 10: quit your job

Now that you’ve quit your job, you realize that was the easy part. So now what?

Fantasize about taking the summer off. You started working when you were 15 and the only time you’ve ever gotten 6-12 weeks off was because you pushed a baby out of your vagina. This time, maybe you’ll take some time off with no 2 AM feedings. Sure, you’re 50 so you’ll have to get up frequently in the night to pee, but still. You haven’t yet had to depend upon adult diapers (see what I did there?) so you can just go right back to sleep.

It might be a good idea to check with your friends. If anyone has recently purchased a new refrigerator, ask them to save the box. If you do need to live down by the river in a cardboard box, it’ll come in handy. Try to get your hands on a Sub Zero box. After all, you still have your pride.

Tell yourself a hundred times a day that it’s going to be fine. Write. Write some more. Go chase those dreams, girl. You’ve earned this chance. You can do it!

So, anyway, I quit my job.


Did I mention I’m a contributor in another hilarious book? No? Well, I am.  You can buy it (or them) HERE.