I’ve been thinking about God lately.
I’m no historian, and I haven’t proof, but I am pretty sure that there was a chapter removed from the bible. Probably the censors tore it out of there, or possibly the nuns from my grade school parish. It was right there at the end of Genesis.
Conjured entirely from the logic center of my brain, I shall share with you my belief about what it said.
First, all that 7-day stuff happened as per the historical records (ahem). I’m not challenging that. But God, he’s a busy and restless dude. I think on the 7th day, he looked into his crystal ball (or whatever it is that God uses to look into the future) and took things a step further.
He saw Eve all bitchy, sniping “Am I the only one who is capable of doing these damned dishes or replacing the toilet paper on the roller?”
He saw Adam, just trying to pick a fight “Would it kill you to shave your legs once in a while?”
He saw the two of them in their California King bed with their 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, her facing outward on the one side and him facing out on the opposite.
“No, no. This will never do.” thought God. “I made them fruitful. The plan is that they multiply!”
So on the 8th day, God created the orgasm.
And it was good.
And to accompany the orgasm, God created pizza on th4e 9th day. Right? Because I have no use for an orgasm if it is not shortly followed by a damned pizza!