Sorry I’ve been MIA.
Though really, why would I apologize? It’s such an egotistical thing to do. I imagine you all (both of you!) standing there thumping the faces of your wrist watches going “Where IS she? She should have been back by now! This is so rude of her. Does she KNOW how worried we all (both) are??”
But really, I know that you didn’t even notice I was gone. I’m even OK with that. But my ego – that sucker needs more salve than a raging case of herpes. And so here I am issuing apologies. They’re not for you, really, they’re for me.
(And now I feel as if I should apologize for apologizing, but really – where would it end, right?)
I’ve been busy with Fight Club. We just aren’t sure the TPS cover sheets are exactly right. Don’t fret, though. We’ll sort it out. You just leave the important stuff like that to me. I’m totally on it.
I was up in the Greater New York area. I wasn’t actually visiting New York, but I flew into LaGuardia, hopped into my rental car, and drove over the Whitestone Bridge on my way to Connecticut. I spent a whole week on TPS cover sheets and then Friday – after a new batch of snow had fallen – I headed back to the airport.
It all sounds kind of boring, yeah? I know. I agree.
Here’s the thing… those damn New Yorkers. Do you understand how their bridge and tunnel system works? They charge you approximately thirty eight dollars each way to cross the bridges. If I throw this startling fact out to a New Yorker, they won’t even blink. Evidently, crossing bridges is a privilege, not a right, and also what the hell are you doing driving over it – use public transportation you dipshit midwesterer.
Whatever.
But the cost of crossing the bridge isn’t the worst part. Perhaps it is this: when you approach the toll part before the bridge, there are approximately 73 lanes and it doesn’t seem to matter where I am – the CASH lanes are always all the way on the other side.
Did I mention it was New York? Drivers there really aren’t all that happy with people from the red states trying to cross over 71 lanes to get over to the cash lanes when they are all La-Dee-Da with their EZ-Pass thingies and just trying to gun through the toll booth at 140 miles per hour.
Damn New Yorkers.
That still isn’t the worst part. After the 73 lanes that go through the toll booths, there is approximately 30′ of pavement before it all converges back down to four lanes.
Even that I could handle. I have handled it before, many times, for years, without killing myself or a single other human being.
This time, though, two of those four lanes were blocked by some very important looking construction vehicles. I don’t know what they were doing, but I’m certain it was of utmost importance because there they were – threatening to make me miss my flight and miss getting home to the loving arms of my internet family.
Of course the two big important looking construction vehicles (here after known as Snorts) were on the LEFT side where the cash lanes were.
WHY DOES NEW YORK DO THIS TO ME?
I needed to get over to the right lanes and I needed to do it quickly. I was trying. I had my blinker on. I wore my best midwestern smile. No one would even make eye contact with me.
And then the driver of Snort #1 put on the beep-beep-beep reverse thingie and was gesturing to me to get the hell over to the right. I was gesturing back to say “I’m TRYING. They won’t let me over.”
He started getting very angry with me. None of the drivers would let me in. They wouldn’t even meet my naive midwestern gaze, even with my best smile. The Snort driver was starting to yell at me but I couldn’t hear him and I, myself, was getting angry too.
Something had to be done. Clearly.
I rolled down the window of my rental car, and at the top of my lungs I screamed “I’M FROM THE MIDWEST, MOTHERFUCKER. WE’RE TOO NICE TO JUST CUT INTO TRAFFIC.”
I’m pretty sure I scared him. He looked over to the lane of through traffic and suddenly, as if he were Moses, the traffic parted and off I went.
The moral of the story is this: even people from Missouri can handle those mean ol’ New Yorkers as long as we scream expletives.
Do with that what you will.
I only had one minor issue driving in NYC. There was a dude parked and I pulled up behind him. He got out and yelled, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M MOVING?”
I muttered, “No, but you look like an asshole.” I just waved as I drove by. Heh.
That’s hilarious!
(and I did miss you while you were gone – I was just wondering yesterday why you hadn’t updated!)
Sounds like you managed to fit right in with your surroundings! BTW, we’re nicer in the western part of the state. Of course, it’s snow central….
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Just Linda, Just Linda. Just Linda said: Yeah, I know – you didn't even miss me. Motherfuckers. (I'm using that a lot these days.) http://justlinda.net/blog/?p=1907 […]