I told you yesterday that I can do jazz hands.  You’re probably thinking “Who cares?  What kind of stupid talent is jazz hands?  How many ads can you find on Monster.com where people are seeking to hire those who can do jazz hands?”

Probably none, I’ll give you that.

The thing is, I bring a lot of important services to the world.  In fact, just this morning, I was thinking that I wished cloning technology was further along so I could clone myself, because there are a lot of things I do that the world needs more of.

Given that we’re not quite ready with the cloning thing, I could probably come up with a Plan B.  I could probably assemble a group of people with potential and train them to be more like me, to do the important things I do for the world.  I’ve considered this, however we all know the copies are never as good as the originals.  So, anyway, I’m not sure if that’s the best thing.  Plus, who knows if they could do all I do, plus the things that require natural talent, like jazz hands.  Some stuff people just can’t be trained to do, ya know?

I’m guessing it might be better if I just let the demand build a little until the cloning technology catches up and then – BAM – I can make exact replicas of me and I don’t have to worry about them paling by comparison to the original.  I’ll corner the market.

This isn’t about jazz hands.  I don’t want you to get caught up in that.  There are lots of things I can do – things that add real value to this world, way beyond the artistic.  Practical value.  Value that saves lives.

Example – I (or one of my clones, but you’d never know if it were me the original or one of the clones) could ride in the passenger seat of your car and give you real-time coaching on how you’re doing behind the wheel.  I already give this service – for free – to my husband.  I’m pretty sure he appreciates it.  I bet I keep his insurance rates down.  I know I keep the highways safer for your children.  And it was only that one time I thought it was a kitten and it ended up being an errant tennis shoe but a near miss isn’t the same as a real accident so that really doesn’t count.  Mostly, I add safety – it’s really the exception that I scream in panic and nearly cause a wreck.

I think I would take my army of clones and maybe brand us, collectively, as Husband’s Little Helpers.  We could also let these husbands know when they are chewing too loudly, when they load the dishwasher incorrectly, and when their channel-visits-per-minute have exceeded the acceptable limit.

Really, it’s like a life-coaching service but customized just for husbands.  Hey, you have to play to your strengths, right?  I have a lot of experience bossing nagging coaching husbands.

I’m a little nervous about telling you all this, because, let’s face it – some of you are lowdown dirty dogs and you could steal my plan right out from under me.  But the thing is, I don’t know how to price out these services.  I mean, I do it for free for my husband but really, that’s just a perk he gets because he’s married to me.  There would definitely need to be a price tag if I’m going to bring this sort of product to the open market.  I guess what I’m saying is that I’d like to use you to help me resolve this one pricing issue.  I’m not expecting you guys to solve the human cloning issue; we’ll leave that to the experts.

I recommend you sign up soon, though – the wait list is likely to be long.

In the mean time, you’ll have to settle for blog drivel, and maybe occasional jazz hands.

Be patient – it will all work out in time.  Really.

Until then – slow down on the highway when it’s raining, jesus!  And place the dishes in the dishwasher rack close enough together to maximize space, however not so close that the jets of water cannot get through to get them clean.

You’re welcome.