It was a typical evening, nothing out of the ordinary. A Friday night, heading into the weekend. Kids all asleep, house quiet. We turn off our devices and nightstand lights and climb into bed, kiss each other goodnight, and then cuddle to sleep.
Well, that’s a lie. See, we were already in bed and we never cuddle, but I was taking creative license.
So let me try this again. We turn off devices and lights, and like any couple married this long, we turn away from each other and sort of grunt a goodnight in the general direction of the other. I hug the edge of the mattress like it’s a life preserver. Try not to swoon.
As I start to relax, my brain wakes up.
Brain: Hi! Hey!! Hi! Hi, Linda. Wanna play? Let’s play!
Me: Go to sleep, Brain.
Brain: But no! I have so many thoughts. Things that I need you to consider. Did you RSVP for that stupid birthday party? When will the kids be old enough to do their own RSVPs? You’ve got to get those boots sent back to Amazon. I bet that salmon is going bad in the refrigerator. You should have known you wouldn’t make that salmon recipe this week. You do this all the time.
Me: Shut-up, Brain.
Brain: We have so many thinks to think. The Christmas stuff has to come down this weekend for sure. I hope the weather breaks so we can get the outside lights down without suffering hypothermia. But we should at least unplug them even if we don’t get them down this weekend. It’s bad enough to leave them up but to keep letting the automatic timer turn them on every night…
Me: Goodnight, Brain.
Brain: You have to prep for that Steering Committee Meeting on Tuesday. You were supposed to do that today. And let’s create a proposal for your charity to improve their use of technology. You said you were going to do that, now is as good as any time. We should do something fun with the kids. Sarah goes back to school Sunday. Something active. God, I hate winter. It’s so cold out there!
Me: Why do you do this to me? Why can’t you be like him?
Brain: Him? Who?
Me: *nudges husband with foot*
Husband: *grunts* *farts* *snores*
Brain: Gross.
Me: Hey, honey?
Husband: *grunts* *gropes*
Me: BILL!
Husband: WHAT?
Me: What do you think about when you go to sleep?
Him: Your nipples.
*turns over* *snores*
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It’s just so much more complicated being a woman.
